Dear Hillary,

We don’t know each other, so it may seem a bit presumptuous for me to be writing to you. But after your eight years in the White House, and your seven years as Senator, I feel as if I know you just a little. And that’s why I’m writing now, because, girl, you need some talking to.

I know you’ve spent a lifetime in politics. You’ve been a tireless advocate for children’s rights. You were a Republican who became a Democrat after the assassination of Martin Luther King. You also worked for the committee that was investigating Richard Nixon during the Watergate Scandal. As First Lady, you tried to implement universal healthcare, but were stymied by your political adversaries. Your life has been one primarily of service.

Sadly, this is not what people know you for. And that’s the problem. While I think you’d do quite well as President — and Bill as the first First Man would be a thing to behold — I think the baggage that you’re bringing to the table may far outweigh your positives. And given the absolute shambles the country is in right now, we can’t afford another Republican in the White House.

You’ve got an image problem that no amount of nifty TV ads is going to cure. And sadly, the first hit to your image is one you inflicted yourself. It’s the ridiculous and infamous “cookie” remark. You managed to piss off about half of the women in the country with that. And those women won’t forget it. Smart women I know are still pissed at you about that. Look, it’s moronic. But it’s the truth. You showed contempt for women who chose a different career path than you, and they will never forgive that. (We could have a nice long chat over tea about the whole “Mommy Wars” thing. But suffice it to say, you lobbed a whopping, big-ass grenade into the middle of that – and in such situations, there is always blowback.)

The second problem is tied to the first problem: Bill.

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