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Brain Activity

Death by Tiny Invisible Pig

April 25th, 2009 by Rory Harper

Hey, guys – Go visit any of the major news web sites. Cool stuff today. According to the CDC, the Swine Flu Pandemic is going to slam into us sometime in the next few weeks, slaughtering the population and destroying civilization as we knew it.




I mean, just between you and me and the pigs, I was beginning to doubt that civilization as we knew it was going to end at all. It sucked to find myself being pessimistic about my pessimism.


Some days, I just wanted to smash my forehead into something, hard enough to hurt, but not hard enough to actually damage my brain. You know?


That Bird Flu thing just never seemed to be able to get off the ground. And it looks like Apophis is going to stubbornly refuse to smash the earth into molten flinders.


The Global Warming thing was coming along nicely, after we convinced Bush and his crew that it was all a liberal conspiracy against Hummers – and you know how insanely freaked out they were with Clinton and his hummers in the Oval Office. Then we messed up and elected an administration that actually believes in science. Who knows what the hell they’ll do to demonize GW the climate like they demonized GW the Bush?


Nuclear war? Well, the Soviets were a great disappointment to me, personally. They had the capability for about thirty years, and could never sober up from the vodka binges long enough to push the red button. North Korea and Iran are just laughable wannabes.


I’ve got a small bet going that Pakistan will fall into the hands of the Taliban next year and, maddened by the presence of infidels somewhere on the rest of the planet, will launch their hundred nukes at somebody. If they hit India, then my job is less likely to be outsourced, so this is a two-fer. They’ve got enough bombs to trigger at least a Nuclear Autumn.


But that’ll be offset by the damn global warming that we’ve been trying so hard to cause. Unless Obama or Steven Chu or Paul Krugman fix it first.


I’m immensely cheered by today’s news, though.


I went out this afternoon and bought my survival kit. Here are my top ten items:


  1. Three boxes of Kleenex – Will need them if I get the flu, and the allergies have been really nasty all year anyhow.
  2. Three containers of Crystal Light no-cal drink powder – I already got a bunch of iodine pills for purifying water, at Rachael’s insistence. Now I can drink both safely and deliciously.
  3. Three boxes of wet kitty treats – Little Tex and Secret Kitty are likely to get grumpy while trapped in the house for a month or so, and this will help. I’m contemplating buying some more catnip toys tomorrow, before there’s a run on them.
  4. A pound of Kraft Mild Cheddar cheese – It was on sale, and I like cheese.
  5. Two pounds of Skinner Vermicelli – Yummy and nutritious and would survive a nuclear war, I think.
  6. Two glass containers of Ragu Roasted Garlic spaghetti sauce – To make the Vermicelli taste even yummier. Also, the Ragu has catsup in it, which, as Ronald Reagan taught us, is an essential vegetable.
  7. Four pounds of Folger’s coffee – Life isn’t worth living if I don’t get my coffee in the morning. Also, it’ll be worth its weight in hummers after the apocalypse.
  8. Lots of cans of Dinty Moore beef stew and microwaveable plastic lunches of various types and brands – I think I forgot to get crackers to go with these. Dammit.
  9. Four pounds of Imperial Pure Cane Granulated Sugar – Screw the Splenda if civilization ends. I want real sugar in my coffee.
  10. A 1.75 liter bottle of Bacardi Gold – Should make a great internal antiseptic to help me avoid getting infected. I forgot to get the Coke that potentiates its healing effect. Dammit.



Personally, I think I did pretty good, considering how off-the-cuff and panicky this was. I already had plenty of toilet paper. And you can use the Kleenex that way in a pinch, in case you didn’t know.


I think I’ll be able to survive in my apartment all through the Great Dying. Surely they won’t disconnect the Internet. It’s all satellite communications these days, anyhow, and the satellites will keep on working fine for years and years.


Then I can come out and the glorious dream of my childhood will begin – me, being one of the last ragged inhabitants in a post-industrial nightmare wasteland. Kind of like moving to Detroit, only more fun.


I’ll have my gun with me. I bet I can find some bullets for it, somewhere out there. Unless they’re all buried in some Teabagger’s back yard.


Rachael and Jesse will survive, as will all of you, and my sister and her husband, and all of my Goddam Neopagan Tribe™. We’ll form the nucleus of a new and intrinsically pessimistic society, as I’ve always hoped for. With motorcycles.


It’ll be great!


We should all meet at that filling station right outside Bastrop, where you turn to go to or from Austin, depending on the direction you’re traveling in. You know the one.


See you all in a couple of months!








….I just had the inevitable thought…


The CDC says the Swine Flu is mutating. Maybe we’ll get lucky and it’ll mutate into —


Zombie Apocalypse Virus !!!!


Wouldn’t that be wonderful?



Posted in Dammit!, Environment, Food, Health and Safety, Politics, Rachael is Awesome, Rory, Zombies | 14 Comments »

14 Responses

  1. Morgan J. Locke Says:

    Gee, Rory, I was worried for a minute, there, but now I can hardly wait.

  2. Rory Harper Says:

    Thanks, Morgan!

    ….Just trying to reassure everybody…

    I sure hope this one doesn’t fizzle out. Like that Y2K thing, which was a massive disappointment.

  3. Ken Houghton Says:

    “I’ve got a small bet going that Pakistan will fall into the hands of the Taliban next year and, maddened by the presence of infidels somewhere on the rest of the planet, will launch their hundred nukes at somebody. If they hit India, then my job is less likely to be outsourced, so this is a two-fer. They’ve got enough bombs to trigger at least a Nuclear Autumn.”

    Rory has identified why several firms that outsourced jobs are bringing them back. It wasn’t just that the offshore workers didn’t know what they were doing.

    “Four pounds of Folger’s coffee – Life isn’t worth living if I don’t get my coffee in the morning. Also, it’ll be worth its weight in hummers after the apocalypse.”

    I long ago decided that if the best part of waking up was Folger’s in my cup that I would rather not wake up.

    That said, are you taking four pounds of hummers at ca. 5cc per, or divided by the weight of the organ? (I assume you’re not talking about the vehicle-like carbon-sink.)

  4. Rory Harper Says:

    Hey, Ken — If I’d meant the vehicles, I’d have capitalized the word. 😉

    I hadn’t thought about the dividing by weight of organ, but it does make sense.

    Of course, considering the hugeness of the organ and all, I have to go buy a lot more coffee now….

  5. Rory Harper Says:

    Okay, I just now got back in from another shopping expedition.

    I wore a rag on my face, lightly soaked in gasoline. I got some odd looks from the people shopping in the hazmat suits. I wonder how much those cost, and where I could get one?

    Anyhow, I got my crackers and Coke. And plenty of coffee, so I’ll be stocked in hummers for years to come. Thanks, Ken!

    And another couple of pounds of cheese, since it was still on sale. I like cheese.

    I think I’m all set now for the end of civilization.

  6. Rory Harper Says:

    Incidentally, I thought it was kind of entertaining that our courageous secessionist governor immediately begged the Feds for 37,430 doses of Tamiflu. Guess he’s not feeling quite as independent right now as he was last week..

    Such an odd number. Almost like it’s been calculated to be precisely enough for him, his family and friends, and his major donors.

  7. Morgan J. Locke Says:

    More likely it’s a statistical allocation thingie.

  8. Rory Harper Says:

    That makes sense, Morgan.

    ….But I’d rather slander our idiot governor than even attempt to be fair…

    Here’s a breaking news Flu Wiki, for those of us who’d like to follow this obsessively:

    Thanks to Daily Kos for the link.

  9. Sean Craven Says:

    You forgot the best part of the swine flu-induced zombie plague — it’s the only two-way zombie plague known to science.

    What most people don’t know is that swine flue laterally introduces genetic material into the human body that makes people taste like bacon.

  10. Stuart Says:


    Can you imagine the frustration of a zombie trying to eat Rick Perry’s brains?

  11. perksy Says:

    A post-flu sunrise
    scent of sundered zombie heads
    cordite and bacon.

    P.S. this is an interesting time to reread the links from this post:

    “To lower the probability of mutations that allow human-to-human transmission, you need to limit the host reservior, particularly with respect to hosts that are amenable to this kind of experimentation (The reviews mention pigs, because they can be a “mixing bowl” for avian and mammalian viruses, and immunocompromised humans*.)”

  12. Barb Says:

    I can’t find the recommendations about how much cheese we need! Buy some extra for me, Rory, I like it too.

  13. Rory Harper Says:

    I’m outraged! I can’t believe that there are no federal guidelines for minimal cheese requirements in case of a disaster. I blame George Bush’s FEMA for not staying on top of this.

    I hope that Obama will fix this very soon.

  14. Morgan J. Locke Says:

    Not to worry! Get your canned cheese here.

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