I have a supermarket loyalty card. It’s that card you swipe at the cashier’s station that gives you “members only” discounts on certain products. Like, clementines one week are $9.99 for a box; the next week, with a Safeway card, they cost $4.99 (I, for one, wonder how seriously they expect me to take that “discount.” If they’d price the clems at $7 a box all the time they’d probably make the same amount of money–but then the customer would miss that sense of getting a deal). Be that as it may, I have family to feed and I wield my Safeway card with brio.

So the other day I heard an ad on the radio for a new service of Safeway’s and, in my ceaseless quest to go out and get the goods for my fellow Brains and Brain-eaters, I signed up at once for FoodFlex(tm).

What is FoodFlex, you ask? I always knew that Safeway was tracking what we bought–I mean, if their computer can keep track of how many cups of coffee I get at the Starbucks stand in the market (the 10th is free!) it’s certainly able to track everything else I pick up. But now they’re making a virtue of it: sign up for FoodFlex and Safeway’s computer will track all the food you buy and give you reports about your nutritional intake. Buy broccoli and tofu and you’ll get a gold star (well, I’m making up the gold star, but I imagine the report will shine upon you). But if you’re having a party and buy two bottles of wine, a bag of Tostitos, two boxes of Malomars, and a rack of lamb, what do you think the report is going to say?

It only takes a small jump to the point where your grocery cart (many of which are WiFi capable and can broadcast ads for products depending on your position in the store–stand near the Rice A Roni and **BAM** there’s an ad urging you to pick up some San Francisco Treats) notes that you’ve stopped in front of the potato chips and tssks at you.

Grocery Cart: Again with the chips? That’s not very healthy is it?

Me: We have people coming over. I won’t eat any, I promise.

Grocery Cart: Uh Huh. You know, you could at least get the baked chips. They’re not as bad for you. And for God’s sake, no onion dip! Salsa is much better for you. (the cart rolls along until we pause in front of the meat section). Pork chops? You didn’t buy that “other white meat” crap, did you? Please. You can serve nice white meat chicken.

Me: Great. You want to tell me what else I could serve?

Grocery Cart: (coyly) Oh, I wouldn’t presume. Two bottles of wine? Really? Don’t you think some sparkling cider and a nice fruit bowl would be a good way to end the evening? (Speaks loudly, to attract the attention of other shoppers). You don’t need all that alcohol, do you? I mean, it’s not a problem for you, is it?

Me: (head in hands) Grape Nuts and organic pomegranate juice okay with you?

Grocery Cart: Now you’re talking!

When I get my first report from Big Brother FlexFood I’ll report back.

It’s not very much snow at all but it came with wind that blew the relatively heavy metal chairs off my deck and iced up the streets. Anyway, they canceled school.

Twilight Ninja and Noble Girl are delighted.

Laura, whose office in the house doesn’t have a door, is less so.

Steve, whose office is a separate establishment far across the snowy plains of the backyard, is just fine.