Making a List, Checking It Twice…

Yeah, yeah, I know, I missed my post for last week and I’m late this week.  And I’m so freaking lazy that I’m stealing my blog idea for this week from The Dude.

Yes, I am THAT lame.

(In my defense, I have a very good reason for last week’s crapping out. And as for this week, it’s early Thanksgiving — at my house.)

The Dude is an inveterate list maker.  He makes lists of his favorite books, movies, and actresses he’s got a crush on who were born no later than 1910.  I make lists that involve groceries, errands, and bill paying.

Obviously, his lists are more fun.

So, I’m embracing my inner Dude and going to leave you with a couple of lists of my own — though the items on said lists are not in order of preference or importance.

Things not to say to your wife/girlfriend:

1. What did you do to your hair?
2. Actually, that does make you look fat.
3. I think you’re overreacting.
4. Yes, “X” is prettier than you.
5. The house looks fine.  My mother won’t notice if the place isn’t clean.
6. Is it right before your period?
7. Did you lose weight?
8. Did you gain weight?
9. Oh my God, Edyta Sliwinska has a smoking hot bod.  (Which is true, but must it be commented on every time she appears on TV?)

10. Are you sure you’re not on your period?

Things not to say when you’re in a band:

1. This is my girlfriend, Yoko.
2. You’ve been playing it in E? I thought we were playing it in F# minor.
3. Let’s make “Cocaine” our ten-minute jam song. (In all fairness, only the bass player will want to kill you.)
4. I think you’re turned up too loud.
5. You’re not turned up enough.
6. You know what would really make our sound?  An accordion.
7. Well, she’s not a good singer, but she’s HOT!
8. I think we should go for a combination of Led Zeppelin and Maurice Chevalier.
9. Let’s cover “My Heart Will Go On.”
10. This is my girlfriend, Yoko.

The Short List:

The “Go To” books when I need something wonderful to read:

Brittle Innings by Michael Bishop
Queen’s Gambit by Walter Tevis
Geek Love by Katherine Dunne

4 thoughts on “Making a List, Checking It Twice…

  1. 11. Who needs a drummer anyhow? They’re not real musicians. All they do is hit things.

    12. Hey, let’s surprise everybody at our next gig. Instead of doing those boring cover tunes, let’s play nothing but our original songs.


    I really adore ‘Queen’s Gambit’, Caroline. Just re-read it a month or so ago. I’m pretty sure that my copy actually belongs to Martha Wells; I’ve stolen it from her, I think…

    A book that gives me the same high, but, frankly, much, much more, is Frank Conroy’s ‘Body and Soul’.

  2. Dunn for Geek Love.

    I’ll vote for Unicorn Mountain over Brittle Innings, but stand with Rory and you on The Queen’s Gambit as the best autobiography Tevis wrote. (And a much more fun chess novel than, say, Brad Leithauser’s Hence.)

    I remain convinced that there is a use—no I’ve never found it, which may be why I’m still alive—for “Actually, that does make you look fat.”

    It would require (1) that the piece of clothing be a fashion disaster obvious enough to notice, (2) that the piece of clothing do nothing for the body in question, and (3) that there is enough time for the following explosion, the inevitable change of clothes, and a cool down period (i.e., she’s getting ready for a GNO and you’re already committed to putting the kids to bed).

    Used once, it would give some credibility to all of those other “No, dear, it doesn’t make you look fat” declarations.

    The problem is that the Venn diagram of times when it would work and be remembered with a soupcon of fondness against the times when it would just lead to a visit from the police and a leg of lamb being cooked for dinner is a picture not even Jessica Hagy would try to draw.

  3. Ditto on The Queen’s Gambit. Every now and then I’ll open it and start reading, anywhere, just to get a fresh Great Writing injection. Tevis was tremendous.

    And you know how much I admire Brittle Innings, and Mr. Bishop.

    I think (think) I can truthfully say that I’ve never uttered any of the phrases on your first list, Caroline.

    As for the second . . . it made me blow Shiner Blonde out my nose. Although you’ve clearly left out So Many, especially those that specifically piss off Bass Players:

    13. Bass Solo!
    14. Thank God you moved; I thought you were dead.
    15. Why don’t you play this part on the B string?
    16. Or better yet, the High E?
    17. “Sweet Jane”!
    18. Take another twelve, Rory! (or Warren, or Brad, or [insert name of current wanking guitarist])
    19. You know what band I really loved? The Doors.
    20. Bass Solo!

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