Yeah, yeah, I know, I missed my post for last week and I’m late this week. And I’m so freaking lazy that I’m stealing my blog idea for this week from The Dude.
Yes, I am THAT lame.
(In my defense, I have a very good reason for last week’s crapping out. And as for this week, it’s early Thanksgiving — at my house.)
The Dude is an inveterate list maker. He makes lists of his favorite books, movies, and actresses he’s got a crush on who were born no later than 1910. I make lists that involve groceries, errands, and bill paying.
Obviously, his lists are more fun.
So, I’m embracing my inner Dude and going to leave you with a couple of lists of my own — though the items on said lists are not in order of preference or importance.
Things not to say to your wife/girlfriend:
1. What did you do to your hair?
2. Actually, that does make you look fat.
3. I think you’re overreacting.
4. Yes, “X” is prettier than you.
5. The house looks fine. My mother won’t notice if the place isn’t clean.
6. Is it right before your period?
7. Did you lose weight?
8. Did you gain weight?
9. Oh my God, Edyta Sliwinska has a smoking hot bod. (Which is true, but must it be commented on every time she appears on TV?)
10. Are you sure you’re not on your period?
Things not to say when you’re in a band:
1. This is my girlfriend, Yoko.
2. You’ve been playing it in E? I thought we were playing it in F# minor.
3. Let’s make “Cocaine” our ten-minute jam song. (In all fairness, only the bass player will want to kill you.)
4. I think you’re turned up too loud.
5. You’re not turned up enough.
6. You know what would really make our sound? An accordion.
7. Well, she’s not a good singer, but she’s HOT!
8. I think we should go for a combination of Led Zeppelin and Maurice Chevalier.
9. Let’s cover “My Heart Will Go On.”
10. This is my girlfriend, Yoko.
The Short List:
The “Go To” books when I need something wonderful to read:
Brittle Innings by Michael Bishop
Queen’s Gambit by Walter Tevis
Geek Love by Katherine Dunne