UNCA BUZZKILL SEZ . . .

I got your Envy right here. Too bad YOU don’t get any.

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Hi, kids, and welcome to this week’s edition of “Unca Buzzkill Sez.” Your boy Denton was supposed to occupy this space with a few words about the Deadly Sin of Envy – but he’s off washing the feet of impoverished former Enron executives or petting fluffy bunnies or something. The guy claims to have no experience with Envy, and instead swears that he’s grateful for everything in his life and rejoices in all good things that come to others.*

Yeah, it sounds like a load to Unca Buzzkill, too. But don’t worry. Unca B. has plans to fix Mr. HappyPants’s little red tent-show wagon soon enough. In the meantime, it falls to Unca to help the rest of you explore this nasty little spot of pustulence eating away at your hearts.

To be honest, Unca Buzzkill wishes he could explicate Despair for you instead. You see, Unca knows all about Despair, having socked away his entire 401(k) in Zeppelin stocks on May 5, 1937.

Besides, Despair is usually described (as Joyce Carol Oates explains) as the only sin God CANNOT forgive. So even though it isn’t one of the traditional Seven Deadlies (except on a few Orthodox lists), there’s actually far more juicy badness to be found in simple Despair than in any of those splashy (yet forgivable) sins like fornication or taking-the-name-of-the-Lord-in-vain. Seriously. F*** me. I mean, Jesus.

Yet it occurs to Unca Buzzkill that Envy, if indulged, must inevitably lead to Despair. Envy, then, is a sort of Gateway Sin to the hardcore damnation of Despair in much the same way that Marijuana is a Gateway Drug to the hardcore consumption of Chips Ahoy.

And since Unca Buzzkill doesn’t want to hang out in Hell with a bunch of strangers, all moaning and grasping for bags of storebought cookies that invisible demons are holding just out of reach, he’s going to help his friends at Eat Our Brains get in touch with their inner Enviousness. Then we can all slide down to the Pit together, Envying those who slid down first before the razor got icky.

Because we’ve all got it. We got Envy, yes we do. We got Envy, how ‘bout you? (And on the opposing sidelines, Pride’s cheerleaders reply, “WE GOT MORE!!!”)

Of course you do. You got Envy in your soul like cows got grass in their dookie. And right along with Envy, like a Harperesque hot lesbian babe in a mud-rasslin’ match, you’ve also got Resentment. Because it’s just not possible to Envy without Resenting. (Any time you want what Someone Else has, it’s at least partly because Someone Else doesn’t deserve it even half as much as you do.)

Feel free to deny it. You can pull that Dentonian “Mr. HappyPants” crap if you like. But Unca B. doesn’t think you’ll be able to keep that up after browsing through –

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UNCA BUZZKILL’S UNIVERSAL FIVE-POINT ENVY-O-METER (Now With Extra Resentment!)

We Envy and Resent others for at least as many reasons as there are aspects to the human condition: Money, power, class, gender, race, sex, career, talent, looks, health, luck, love, and ability-to-digest-dairy. To name only a few.

But no matter what your numerous transitory Envies and Resentments may be, Unca Buzzkill is confident that most of your lifelong Envies and Resentments will juggle themselves in and out of the following five embittered categories:

If you’re Young: You Envy the Old, because all of the new artery-clearing and hardon-enhancing drugs are made for them. Not to mention the fact that the Old have breathed all the good air, pissed in all the good water, and eaten all the non-piss-contaminated fish. They’ve had long, exciting, happy lives, while the future prospects for your own lives are looking pretty scabrous. In fact, modern medicine is in the process of extending the ancient bastards’ fabulous lifespans just long enough so they’ll die ten seconds before the Earth’s entire ecosystem collapses around your still-supple ankles. Also, you’re paying for their Social Security . . . even though they’re the ones with the bank accounts, the stock portfolios, and that musty junk in the attic that all turns out to be “a national treasure” on Antiques Roadshow.

If you’re Old: You Envy the Young, because they’re strong and healthy and are free to boink hither and yon without requiring either artery-clearing or hardon-enhancing drugs. Not to mention the fact that they’ve wiped all the good music off the radio, ruined the movies with their spastic edits, and cut you off in traffic. Besides which, they’re reproducing like sea monkeys – which means more and more public money for schools, which means higher and higher property taxes, which means you’ll eventually be driven from your home and forced to live in a Dumpster in the shadow of one of the towering condos where the Young do their boinking. In the meantime, their self-indulgent lifestyles have jacked up your auto, health, and homeowner’s insurance rates. Also, their butt tattoos still look like the things they’re supposed to represent. Unlike yours.

If you’re Middle-Aged: You Envy both the Young and the Old – because you’re too old to have any real fun anymore, and you’re too young for senior-citizen discounts. The Young get to party; the Old get to relax; and the Middle-Aged get to work like goddamn sled dogs. Also, the Young look at you and blame you for George W. Bush. Whereas the Old look at you and blame you for George W. Bush.

If you’re a Non-Parent: You Envy Parents, because they experience an unconditional love that is powerful beyond your comprehension. You have passed up one of the fundamental joys of Life, and you will never know what it is to feel pure, unselfish, unsinful pride in the accomplishments of another human being. There is a hole in your psyche that could only be filled by the presence of a child, but you’ve missed your chance. Besides which, children sometimes go away to summer camp and construct useful lanyards and potholders which they then bestow upon their Parents. But there’ll be none of those for you.

If you’re a Parent: You Envy Non-Parents, because they never wake up in the night with the terrifying certainty that the kid is dead in a ditch somewhere. Also, Non-Parents can pop in a naughty DVD any time they like. They can buy entire bags of Chips Ahoy just for themselves and have sex in the kitchen if they want. They don’t have to read through stacks of Consumer Reports to find out which brand of car seat is least likely to launch itself through the windshield. Plus, they don’t have drawers full of useless lanyards and potholders that make them weep every time they run across them because the kid has grown up and moved away to boink in a towering condo on the other side of the world. And never writes; never calls.

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That should do it. In the unlikely event that anyone out there harbors an Envy that somehow hasn’t been covered herein, just let Unca Buzzkill know . . . and he’ll either add a new Category just for you, or he’ll explain how your own particular Envy really does fit into the above system.

And how that means you ain’t really all that special.

So long for now, kids. If anything Unca Buzzkill has said this week has touched a nerve or made you feel less than good about yourselves . . . just remember that once you stop reading this post, Unca Buzzkill no longer exists for you. He’s right out of your head, and you don’t have to pay any more attention to him.

Unca Buzzkill really Envies that.

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Unca Buzzkill reminds you that if you share what you have, no one can Envy you.

This is why Unca Buzzkill doesn’t share.

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*(Except Celine Dion.)