Oh, it all looks so yummy, I don’t know where to start.
Okay, there’s a reason we sin, and we all know it. It feels good. Eating tasty food, and lots of it, feels good. Eating while engaged in some of the other sins feels even better.
For instance, here’s the second-most famous gluttony scene in the history of the cinema:
Wow, that turkey looks soooo juicy. Who carved it? Uh, just white meat for me, please.
The French, as usual, have a word for it that sounds much cooler than the English word:
Also as usual, they’re cranky and whiny about the way it’s being used by the rest of us.
Could you put some of that cornbread dressing on my plate? Uh, another spoonful, please.
Conjugating the noun.
I don’t waste food.
You have a healthy appetite.
He licks his plate clean. And yours. And mine.
Could you pass the mashed potatoes? And the cream gravy to go with it?
Gluttony is the premier late-20th and early-21st century sin. Unlike the others of the Deadly Seven, we’re all doing it more and more. It used to be an American specialty, but the Brits have seriously taken it up, too, and it’s spread worldwide. Considering the crap we pig out on, some of us have the whipsaw condition of obesity and malnutrition existing simultaneously in the same body.
Here’s one of the most intimidating animations I’ve ever seen:
How accurate and meaningful is it? I dunno, but it scares the hell out of me.
How many hot rolls? Um, gimme three. To start with. And the butter and jelly, when you’re done with them.
I can see why, back in the day, when Yahweh was directly letting people know what pissed him off, gluttony was considered a sin in a close-knit tribal community. There was often not enough food to go around. You were eating somebody else’s share when you were a piggy.
Hand me that bowl of cranberry sauce? No, the one with jellied kind in it. How can anybody eat real cranberries? Ick.
Why are so many of us gluttons these days? Better to ask, why aren’t we all gluttons? We’re now surrounded by cheap food, filled with strong-tasting calories. It’s all salted, sweetened, and filled with fat. We like those things added because the food tastes better to us then. Because God made us that way. Or maybe we evolved to gorge on those kinds of foods back when food wasn’t always available. We survived through lean times by stockpiling fat in non-lean times.
Gluttony is an absolutely natural, almost inevitable, result of environmental change for us. We’re gluttons at our core as humans. We’ve just gotten too good at it lately.
So, what what kind of pies we got for dessert? I never can tell what’s under the whipped topping. Chocolate and lemon cream? Uh, one piece of each, please. Here, I’ll cut mine for the size I like.
I’m not a glutton. I have a glandular problem.
Oops. Fat jokes and comments about over-weight are tacky and mean-spirited, aren’t they? Unless self-inflicted, I suppose.
Yesterday at Harvey Washbanger’s, I saw an obese twenty-something guy wearing a t-shirt that proudly stated “I beat the anorexia”.
Ooh, a doggy bag. And this extra pecan pie is all for me? That’s so sweet!
Anti-gluttony books, videos, and programs are a multi-billion dollar industry. Send me $10 and I’ll let you in on my secret fail-safe method.
….Oh, hell, you’re a buddy of mine. I’ll scribble it on this napkin for you. Don’t tell anybody.
Rory’s Simple Perfect Plan for Negating the Consequences of the Sin of Gluttony
Absolutely no money required for memberships, clothing, or special equipment.
- Walk a half an hour, as quickly as is comfortable.
- Do light exercise and stretching for another half an hour. Push-ups, lifting 10-pound weights, crunches and leg-lifts while lying on the floor.
- If you feel you must, take a high-quality multi-vitamin. Maybe some Omega-6, too.
- Cut your caloric intake to half of what it now is. Don’t stress about what foods you cut or don’t cut. Your body will tell you, when you start paying attention to it.
- Do this consistently, every day, for the rest of your life.
If you follow my simple plan, you’ll live significantly longer, get more accomplished, suffer fewer illnesses, enjoy your life more, sleep better, fuck better, and be smarter. This is an utterly true statement, and we both know it.
There. That was easy, wasn’t it?
So. What’s for supper tonight?