Dear Mr. Helpful Guy: My home’s water softener needs to be replaced. The new unit was delivered today, but it still needs to be installed. Can I do the necessary work on my own, or should I hire professionals? Signed, Maybe Do-It-Myself

Dear Maybe DIM: You should absolutely do this job yourself. Swapping out an old water softener for a new one is an easy task requiring only fourteen or fifteen hours of spare time and a few basic tools such as a pipe wrench, crescent wrench, ballpeen and claw hammers, rubber mallet, Teflon plumber’s tape, blowtorch, solder, block-and-tackle, jackhammer, and Adams trowel. Put on your grubbiest jeans and go for it! Signed, Mr. Helpful Guy

Dear Mr. Helpful Guy: What the hell is an Adams trowel? Signed, DIM

Dear DIM: Don’t worry about it. You probably won’t need it. As long as you have everything else, you can get started. Signed, MHG

Dear MHG: I don’t know. I’m supposed to be writing a novel. Won’t it be a better use of my time to work on the book and hire someone else to do the water-softener job?

Dear DIM: That depends. What kind of advance are you expecting?

Dear MHG: Okay, I’m ready to start on the water-softener project. What’s my first step?

Dear DIM: First, turn off the water supply to your home. Then open a few faucets to bleed off the pressure, close them back up to avoid creating a siphon, and disconnect the old water-softening unit. Since you’re throwing this thing away, there’s no need to be pretty about it. Don’t be afraid to destroy whatever you won’t be keeping. Access your inner ape. Just be sure your supply lines and any non-replaceable connections stay intact.

Dear MHG: Ack! I did what you said, and there’s water everywhere!

Dear DIM: This is normal, I think.

Dear MHG: It won’t stop! It won’t stop! What do I do? My wife will be home soon, and there’s water everywhere!

Dear DIM: Call your wife and tell her that you’ve discovered your household is dangerously low on toilet paper. She will detour to buy more, and this will buy you some time.

Dear MHG: But we have plenty of toilet paper! There are, like, twenty rolls on the floor of the linen closet! I can’t lie to my wife!

Dear DIM: Since your home is flooding, it won’t be a lie for long. While you’re at it, you should ask her to buy Kleenexes and paper towels as well. Also artichokes.

Dear MHG: Artichokes? Why artichokes?

Dear DIM: If you ask for nothing but paper products, she will become suspicious that you’ve done something stupid involving the plumbing. Plus, if you can confine the flood to an area away from the kitchen, then you can request one of your wife’s famous artichoke salads for supper, and you may buy more time yet. Artichokes can be very time-consuming.

Dear MHG: What the f*** are you talking about? My wife has never made an artichoke salad in her life!

Dear DIM: I am trying to be helpful. If my help is not appreciated, perhaps you would like to deal with this situation on your own.

Dear MHG: No, no, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’ll call her right now. Kleenexes, paper towels, and artichokes.

Dear DIM: And toilet paper.

Dear MHG: Yes, of course. And toilet paper.

Dear DIM: It all falls apart without the toilet paper.

Dear MHG: All right. Now, what do I do about the spurting water?

Dear DIM: I beg your pardon? You didn’t say it was spurting. That changes everything.

Dear MHG: Fine, fine! Just tell me what to do!

Dear DIM: Have your wife add three fresh pineapples and a couple of coconuts to the list.

Dear MHG: What?!?

Dear DIM: Oh.  And an Adams trowel.  Signed, Mr. Helpful Guy

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Mr. Helpful Guy is available to answer your home improvement, lifestyle, jai alai, and animal husbandry questions from 8:00 AM to 9:30 AM CST Monday through Friday. After 9:30 AM he is not likely to be sober, but will still be happy to tell you what to do.