Hey, Kids!

Sure, you all remember what they taught you in school: The Government of the United States consists of three branches – the Legislative, the Executive, and the Judicial.

But did you know that there’s actually a FOURTH Branch? It’s true! It’s called the VICE PRESIDENTIAL, or BUCKET OF WARM SPIT* Branch!

So here, in the first installment of what may or may not turn into an ongoing series (depending on the availability of Jack Daniel’s Single Barrel over at Onion Creek Liquors) – we’re giving all you Precocious Patriots a quick Eat Our Brains quiz designed to help you better know and understand your mysterious yet oh-so-powerful Fourth Branch.

Answers are provided after the “Read More” break. Just remember, if you peek at the key before taking the quiz, you can’t claim plausible deniability!

In the immortal words of Marty DiBergi, “Enough of my yakkin’. Let’s boogie!”

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1. Which Vice President said that the greatest political asset of his President was that he possessed the “gift of silence”?

A. John Adams (VP 1789-97), speaking of George Washington

B. George Clinton (VP 1805-12), speaking of James Madison

C. Charles G. Dawes (VP 1925-29), speaking of Calvin Coolidge

D. Hubert H. Humphrey (VP 1965-69), speaking of Lyndon B. Johnson

2. Which Vice President called his political opponents “pusillanimous pussyfoots”?

A. Hannibal Hamlin (1861-65)

B. Theodore Roosevelt (1901)

C. Alben W. Barkley (1949-53)

D. Spiro T. Agnew (1969-73)

3. Which former Vice President said, “Had I read Sterne more and Voltaire less, I should have known the world was wide enough for ________________”?

A.Thomas Jefferson (1797-1801), “Federalists and Democrats.”

B. Aaron Burr (1801-05), “Hamilton and me.”

C. John C. Calhoun (1825-32), “Abolitionists and Slaveholders.”

D. Schuyler Colfax (1869-73), “Mr. Grant and his whiskey.”

4. According to his President (speaking to an adviser), which Vice President was UNfit for the Presidency because “By any criteria he falls short”?

A. Schuyler Colfax (1869-73) [disliked by President Grant]

B. Henry A. Wallace (1941-45) [disliked by President F. Roosevelt]

C. Richard M. Nixon (1953-61) [disliked by President Eisenhower]

D. Spiro T. Agnew (1969-73) [disliked by President Nixon]

5. Whose Vice Presidential finger is this?

A. Lyndon B. Johnson (1961-63)

B. Spiro T. Agnew (1969-73)

C. Nelson A. Rockefeller (1974-77)

D. Richard B. Cheney (2001-?)

BONUS POINT (no multiple choice): Whose Senatorial earlobe is in the immediate background?

6. Of the two Vice Presidents who shot someone (while still Vice President), which Vice President later described his victim as a “friend”?

A. Aaron Burr (1801-05)

B. Richard B. Cheney (2001-?)

C. Both A and B.

D. Neither A nor B.

7. Which Vice President said, “The American fascist would prefer not to use violence. His method is to poison the channels of public information.” (HINT: This same Vice President was also an agricultural expert who, among other things, went on to create a new breed of chicken. [No, that’s not a metaphor.])

A. Charles W. Fairbanks (1905-09)

B. Calvin Coolidge (1921-23)

C. Henry A. Wallace (1941-45)

D. Harry S. Truman (1945)

8. Which Vice Presidential spouse wore, in the words of her husband, “a respectable Republican cloth coat”?

A. Ellen “Nell” Arthur

B. Thelma “Pat” Nixon

C. Margaretta “Happy” Rockefeller

D. Barbara “Stone Cold” Bush

9. For a total of 5 points, match the Vice Presidential quote to its Vice President:

I. “… there never has yet existed a wealthy and civilized society in which one portion of the community did not, in point of fact, live on the labor of the other.”

II. “I expressed myself rather forcefully, felt better after I had done it.”

III. “The office of Vice-President is one of great dignity. He is the presiding officer of the most august legislative assembly [the U.S. Senate] known to men.”

IV. “[The Vice Presidency is] not worth a bucket of warm *piss.”

V. “I don’t think we’re ever going to live in the vice president’s house.”

A. John C. Calhoun (1825-32)

B. Adlai E. Stevenson (1893-97)

C. John Nance Garner (1933-41)

D. Gerald R. Ford (1973-74)

E. Richard B. Cheney (2001-?)

10. And finally, for 2 points: Which Vice President served as Acting President under the 25^th Amendment when his President was incapacitated?

A. Lyndon B. Johnson (1961-63)

B. George H.W. Bush (1981-89)

C. Richard B. Cheney (2001-?)

D. Both A and B

E. Both B and C

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ANSWER KEY:

1. A.  Washington knew when to keep his mouth shut. (See J.J. Ellis, His Excellency George Washington, Knopf, 2004, pp. 193-94.)

2. D.  But the phrase was coined by one of Agnew’s speechwriters, probably William Safire.

3. B.  (See Ron Chernow, Alexander Hamilton, Penguin Press, pp. 721-22: “While reading the scene in Laurence Sterne’s Tristram Shandy in which the tenderhearted Uncle Toby picks up a fly and delicately places it outside a window instead of killing it, Burr is said to have remarked . . .”

4. D.  Boy, nobody liked Agnew.

5. C.  (BONUS POINT:  Bob Dole!)

6. C.  Burr often referred to “my friend Hamilton, whom I shot.” (See Chernow, p. 721.) And in an interview with Brit Hume for the Fair and Balanced Fox News, Mr. Cheney first indicated that the lawyer he shot was merely an acquaintance, but later said, “I’m the guy who pulled the trigger and shot my friend.”

7. C.  Some of you may have guessed Coolidge because of the famous joke about him, his wife, and a rooster; and some of you may have guessed Truman because he was rural and folksy. But the Coolidge joke is just a joke – and although Truman tried farming, he was lousy at it. Wallace, on the other hand, knew his chickenshit.

8. B.  This was a key point in Nixon’s “Checkers” speech.

9. I.-A.  Calhoun, as a Senator, was arguing that slavery was a “positive good.” It’s now pretty much agreed that Calhoun was one of the biggest assholes to ever serve as Senator or VP. Which is saying something.

II.-E.  Mr. Cheney was referring to the moment when he told Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy, on the floor of the Senate, to “go fuck yourself.”

III.-B.  Stevenson never met Calhoun or Cheney.

IV.-C.  “Cactus Jack” Garner wasn’t one to mince words. But sometimes others minced them for him: He actually said “piss,” but it was originally reported as “spit.”

V.-D.  Mr. Ford was speaking to his wife, Betty. He had just become VP after Agnew’s resignation-in-disgrace, only to discover that Nixon would probably also resign-in-disgrace. And I’d actually feel kinda bad for Ford, if he hadn’t stuck us with the likes of Rumsfeld and Cheney from then until (apparently) Doomsday.

10. E.  The 25^th Amendment wasn’t ratified until 1967, so A. is right out.

George H.W. Bush became the first Acting President in U.S. history for almost eight hours on July 13, 1985, while Ronald Reagan had malignant polyps removed from his colon.

And Richard B. Cheney became Acting President for a couple of hours on June 29, 2002 while George W. Bush underwent a colonoscopy.

(The jokes here were too easy. Insert your own. If you must.)

SCORING:

Give yourself 1 point for each correct answer to Questions 1 through 8 (plus the Bonus Point on Question 5, if you got it right), and 1 point for each correct match in Question 9. Question 10 was tricky enough, I thought, to be worth 2 points all on its own. So this was a 15-point quiz – plus 1 Bonus Point.

If you scored:

1 to 3 points: You call yourself an American? Off to Guantanamo with you!

4 to 6 points: Sorry to bother you. You can go back to watching Fox News.

7 to 9 points: Salt of the earth! You know just enough, but not TOO much!

10 to 12 points: There’s a job waiting for you in the Fourth Branch! Apply today!

13 to 15 points: You know too much. Off to Guantanamo with you!

16 points, Perfect Score: Yeah, right. If you lie THIS well, you should be Vice President yourself . . .

And answerable to NO ONE!