Hey, Kids!

Sure, you all remember what they taught you in school: The Government of the United States consists of three branches – the Legislative, the Executive, and the Judicial.

But did you know that there’s actually a FOURTH Branch? It’s true! It’s called the VICE PRESIDENTIAL, or BUCKET OF WARM SPIT* Branch!

So here, in the first installment of what may or may not turn into an ongoing series (depending on the availability of Jack Daniel’s Single Barrel over at Onion Creek Liquors) – we’re giving all you Precocious Patriots a quick Eat Our Brains quiz designed to help you better know and understand your mysterious yet oh-so-powerful Fourth Branch.

Answers are provided after the “Read More” break. Just remember, if you peek at the key before taking the quiz, you can’t claim plausible deniability!

In the immortal words of Marty DiBergi, “Enough of my yakkin’. Let’s boogie!”

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1. Which Vice President said that the greatest political asset of his President was that he possessed the “gift of silence”?

A. John Adams (VP 1789-97), speaking of George Washington

B. George Clinton (VP 1805-12), speaking of James Madison

C. Charles G. Dawes (VP 1925-29), speaking of Calvin Coolidge

D. Hubert H. Humphrey (VP 1965-69), speaking of Lyndon B. Johnson

2. Which Vice President called his political opponents “pusillanimous pussyfoots”?

A. Hannibal Hamlin (1861-65)

B. Theodore Roosevelt (1901)

C. Alben W. Barkley (1949-53)

D. Spiro T. Agnew (1969-73)

3. Which former Vice President said, “Had I read Sterne more and Voltaire less, I should have known the world was wide enough for ________________”?

A.Thomas Jefferson (1797-1801), “Federalists and Democrats.”

B. Aaron Burr (1801-05), “Hamilton and me.”

C. John C. Calhoun (1825-32), “Abolitionists and Slaveholders.”

D. Schuyler Colfax (1869-73), “Mr. Grant and his whiskey.”

4. According to his President (speaking to an adviser), which Vice President was UNfit for the Presidency because “By any criteria he falls short”?

A. Schuyler Colfax (1869-73) [disliked by President Grant]

B. Henry A. Wallace (1941-45) [disliked by President F. Roosevelt]

C. Richard M. Nixon (1953-61) [disliked by President Eisenhower]

D. Spiro T. Agnew (1969-73) [disliked by President Nixon]

5. Whose Vice Presidential finger is this?

A. Lyndon B. Johnson (1961-63)

B. Spiro T. Agnew (1969-73)

C. Nelson A. Rockefeller (1974-77)

D. Richard B. Cheney (2001-?)

BONUS POINT (no multiple choice): Whose Senatorial earlobe is in the immediate background?

6. Of the two Vice Presidents who shot someone (while still Vice President), which Vice President later described his victim as a “friend”?

A. Aaron Burr (1801-05)

B. Richard B. Cheney (2001-?)

C. Both A and B.

D. Neither A nor B.

7. Which Vice President said, “The American fascist would prefer not to use violence. His method is to poison the channels of public information.” (HINT: This same Vice President was also an agricultural expert who, among other things, went on to create a new breed of chicken. [No, that’s not a metaphor.])

A. Charles W. Fairbanks (1905-09)

B. Calvin Coolidge (1921-23)

C. Henry A. Wallace (1941-45)

D. Harry S. Truman (1945)

8. Which Vice Presidential spouse wore, in the words of her husband, “a respectable Republican cloth coat”?

A. Ellen “Nell” Arthur

B. Thelma “Pat” Nixon

C. Margaretta “Happy” Rockefeller

D. Barbara “Stone Cold” Bush

9. For a total of 5 points, match the Vice Presidential quote to its Vice President:

I. “… there never has yet existed a wealthy and civilized society in which one portion of the community did not, in point of fact, live on the labor of the other.”

II. “I expressed myself rather forcefully, felt better after I had done it.”

III. “The office of Vice-President is one of great dignity. He is the presiding officer of the most august legislative assembly [the U.S. Senate] known to men.”

IV. “[The Vice Presidency is] not worth a bucket of warm *piss.”

V. “I don’t think we’re ever going to live in the vice president’s house.”

A. John C. Calhoun (1825-32)

B. Adlai E. Stevenson (1893-97)

C. John Nance Garner (1933-41)

D. Gerald R. Ford (1973-74)

E. Richard B. Cheney (2001-?)

10. And finally, for 2 points: Which Vice President served as Acting President under the 25^th Amendment when his President was incapacitated?

A. Lyndon B. Johnson (1961-63)

B. George H.W. Bush (1981-89)

C. Richard B. Cheney (2001-?)

D. Both A and B

E. Both B and C

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Read More »

This song isn’t new and it isn’t obscure, but you might have missed it if you don’t listen to much C&W.

It struck me just the right way when it came on the radio while I was driving one of the Ag Program’s SUV’s to campus this morning.

It’s vicious and it rocks. It’s Carrie Underwood’s ‘Before He Cheats’: