Crutchless in College Station
May 6th, 2007 by 
Rory Harper
Yep. I’m walkin’, boss.
I was supposed to wait until next Wednesday before casting the final crutch aside, but, as Erin so charmingly phrases it, I said “Eff it!” on Friday evening.
I’m overjoyed, in my usual ambivalent way. Walking is cool, and if you haven’t done it lately, I encourage you to give it a try.
So far nothing has snapped. However, if the zombie plague hits soon, and it’s fast zombies instead of slow zombies, I’m screwed. Not only will I fail to get away, but after I get bitten all the other zombies will have snarfed up all the good brains before I can catch up with them.
I hobble around like a very old man. It’s a challenge to limp on both legs at once — because my left leg is pretty messed up, too, from not having been part of a functioning partnership for far too long. Both legs are weak and hurt alarmingly in places they shouldn’t. I don’t think I’m doing any further damage; I think it’s part of the rehab process.
I remember when I first encountered serious chronic pain, in my thirties, when my back gave me a bad decade before vertebral fusion. It was frightening. Pain is the thing that warns us that we’re gonna die if we don’t figure out some new behavior. And I couldn’t seem to figure out any.
I’m rather proud of my pain tolerance these days. Basically, my attitude is, “Yeah, it hurts like hell. Oh, well, whatcha gonna do?” If I absolutely need some meds to be able to function, then I take them. If not, I get about my business.
But the back of my brain still knows that the pain is a signal of worse to come if I’m stupid.
I’m eager to get back on my scooter. Partly because I’m deeply disenchanted with depending on others for my meeting my basic survival needs. (Thanks Megan and Martha and Troyce and JohnTim!)
Partly because I need to confront some issues. I don’t think I have any fear of the bike or of riding. But I’m paranoid that I may have a bad reflex implanted in the back of my brain. I really don’t want to break that leg again any time soon.
:
:
My fear is that I’m going to reflexively over-protect the leg if I get in a bind again, and cause myself to get hurt worse than I otherwise would.
I don’t know a way to abort that possible reflex. I’m going to have to be careful and let the memory of pain and injury fade, as it inevitably will.
I’m going to walk a lot, and do light exercise, and eat much less, over the next four months. I’ve gained about 30 pounds since the beginning of the year. Quitting smoking and quitting walking simultaneously was a lousy plan. I’m grossed out by myself.
When I get strong again and back to 200 pounds, I get to buy myself a road bike as a reward. I know that could hurt me again, or even kill me, and I’m going to feel like an idiot if that happens. But I decline to live in fear.
We all do risk/reward calculations that make sense to us, and I’m old enough and experienced enough to know that awful things happen to the best people. And that I’m making it somewhat more likely that something awful will happen to me.
But I think that motorcycle riding is still within my risk-avoidance boundary. Avoid risk too assiduously, and you end up permanently crouched in a closet, shut off from the world of sensation and experience. Avoid risk too little and you die young and foolish.
In the case of motorcycling, I know that millions of people are like me in choosing to embrace the risk, and millions are not.
Others among you will make your risk/reward calculations differently than I do. And they’ll be correct for you.
Some of you will laugh at me for being a drama queen and making a big deal about it, but recent history teaches me how quickly I can do something stupid, so I’ve had to put some thought into it.
Very bluntly, I’m calculating that I’m most likely going to be okay, and that if I’m not, no one that I love will be unable to survive if I’m gone from the scene.
There’s grimness in that attitude, but it opens the door to some joy for me, and potentially for others that I care about.
I’ve felt shrunken and contracted for far too long.
I see the connection between my avoiding risk in the other parts of my life, such as creating fiction and music, and my willingness to risk my well-being in the interest of having more risky, but ecstatic, experiences.
I think my way through most of my life. Smart or not, I’m choosing to feel my way through this issue.
It’s time for me to fly, my brothers and sisters.
Wish me luck.
Posted in Daily Life, Rory, Zombies | 
23 Comments »
May 7th, 2007 at 8:42 am
Hip hip, hooray! Glad you’re mobile, Rory.
I came to scuba diving late, after the age of perceived immortality, and had to make a similar risk calculation about it. Man oh man, was I glad I did.
May 7th, 2007 at 9:48 am
Rory! Good for you!
Remember, if the zombies come, you can always grab an old crutch and beat ‘em off with it. If the crutch gets all bent up, so much the better since you aren’t going to need it anymore.
May 7th, 2007 at 10:24 am
Whoo hoo! Welcome back to the world of the bipedal!
Until you get back up to full speed, may I suggest carrying a few chunks of raw meat around in a Ziploc bag at all times, in case of zombie attack. Lob the steak and wander away while the zombies are feeding like pirhanas. (Or is that piranhae?)
May 7th, 2007 at 10:33 am
That’s right, Rory. Those zombies may be faster, but you’re smarter.
May 7th, 2007 at 11:37 am
Thanks, guys! Day by day….
The carrying of raw meat, perhaps cow brains or some such, is a good idea, and I may implement it.
‘What’s that stinky stuff in that bag you’re carrying around every day lately, Rory?’
‘Brains.’
‘What?’
‘Brains. Cow brains, to be precise.’
‘Why the hell do you need cow brains at work?’
‘Too slow right now to avoid zombie attacks.’
‘……..’
****************
If the plague will just hold off until the end of the year, I’ll be able to escape on my motorcycle.
May 7th, 2007 at 12:51 pm
It’s just like those who make the decision to live in zombie infested lands or to live behind the boarded up walls of the mall. We must all make choices based on our perception of risk.
Really, though, if you choose, instead, to become a zombie, it’s really the safest path. Could you open up the door please?
May 7th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
By the way, you need to post a video of yourself doing the walkies/limping thing. I wonder if it’s more of a shamble. Wait! I know! Rory’s already succumbed….
May 7th, 2007 at 1:00 pm
Dammit, Steve. Now I’m not going to be able to sneak up on you guys at the EOB board meeting.
*sigh*
I’m hungry…. It seems that everyone is faster than me.
You guys are smart. Surely you don’t need all of those yummy brains.
May 7th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
Ent no friggin’ leaving the scene crap.
Damnit.
Also, must get on motorcycle again because the best zombie movies are the ones where the people have their shotguns, riding their bikes.
May 7th, 2007 at 3:09 pm
Yes, exactly, Rach! We need to get the special clips for our motorcycles that will hold the shotguns in place while we’re soaring over cars and burning bodies and such.
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it here, but for many years I had repetitive dreams of running through the ruins with a shotgun, blowing away pursuing zombie hordes.
They weren’t nightmares.
That will all be so much more fun with motorcycles and Rachael added.
You guys can come along, too. We’ll all find sanctuary together. Probably somewhere outside Dripping Springs. Or Albuquerque.
May 8th, 2007 at 8:29 am
What you fail to realize is that all of the resurrected zombie Hell’s Angels, Bandidos, and motorcycle cops will be riding bikes, too.
Old, crappy, rusting bikes (mostly Yamahas) — but still.
May 8th, 2007 at 11:18 am
Your new mobility only leaves me with one question: When are you coming to Austin to play music again? Zombies chasing you or not…
(And as I was glancing at the title of this post, I mis-read it as : Crotchless in College Station. And thought to myself, “That can’t be right.”)
May 8th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
Rory,
Perhaps you need some instructional material regarding your Zombie problem…
http://www.threadless.com/product/632/In_Case_Of_Zombies
May 8th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Close-up.
http://www.threadless.com/product/632/In_Case_Of_Zombies#zoom
May 8th, 2007 at 9:32 pm
LDA — Oh, yeah. There’s wisdom to be had at your links. Many people will one day (briefly) regret not knowing this valuable information. I have known all this stuff since approximatley 1969.
However, the poster is useful only if it’s a ‘slow zombie’ infestation. If you get an outbreak of ‘fast zombies’, you should acquire a tank as soon as you can. Few zombies have the coordination necessary to use a bazooka.
You can get your own battle tank here, from Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/JL421-Badonkadonk-Land-Cruiser-Tank/dp/B00067F1CE
I’m saving my pennies for one as we speak.
Caroline — You are correct that your misinterpretation of the title of my post is wildly off the mark.
I’m planning to spend much of the last part of this month with Rach, camping out, and then here in Bryan. Sometime early in June, however, assuming no major zombie attacks, I’d love to get together with the band and make some noise.
May 8th, 2007 at 10:00 pm
And, Brad — You make a good point in your post #11. All the more reason for us to mount flame-throwers and machine-guns on our motorcycles, as soon as possible. These can be the fast-response outriders for our tank battalion.
I know it’s a dangerous job, but Rach and I are willing to do it. Especially if y’all chip in now to help pay for the modifications.
May 8th, 2007 at 10:44 pm
The effectiveness of flame throwers and machine-guns depend on the operator’s abilities. Although definitely an adrenalin rush, if your goal is maximum survivability, perhaps you need to install a Trophy Active Defense System…
http://www.techeblog.com/index.php/tech-gadget/video-trophy-active-defense-system-invisible-forcefield
Reprogram it to detect fast or slow Zombies. Mount it on a moving vehicle, or perhaps a fixed asset such as a house. Sit back, sip your brew and watch the carnage unfold. No worries, mate.
May 9th, 2007 at 9:06 am
The video carefully doesn’t say what is detonating the incoming rounds so I’m assuming we’re talking about MIND POWERS.
May 9th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
Might be mind-powers. I was thinking some kind of focussed microwave thingie, or lasers, but they’re talking about blowing up kinetic-kill weapons, too, and that means it’s either mind-powers or a rail gun.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rail_gun
My surmise is that they’re deploying a network of rail-guns on geostationary (0r LEO) satellite platforms.
Their defense system simply detects incoming threats, then broadcasts a target-lock to the nearest satellite, which then shoots it down, from outer space.
I want a rail gun, too, of course.
May 13th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
Rory, Did you notice the Wayback Machine site you listed in your “Grateful Memories” post spot lights the following series of informational films?
http://www.archive.org/details/What_To_Do_In_A_Zombie_Attack
I guess fast Zombies weren’t a problem in the ’50s. Further evidence of a godless, communist plot.
May 13th, 2007 at 2:26 pm
[...] in College Station 20 LDA, Rory Harper, Steven Gould, LDA, Rory Harper, Rory Harper [...]
May 13th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
OMFG!
Sorry, but I just promoted this one. NO way I couldn’t.
Thanks, LDA!!!!!
May 13th, 2007 at 2:53 pm
Just doing my civic duty.