Rome wasn’t built in a day. It didn’t fall in a day, either. Rome lasted for hundreds of years after the ascension of Caesar and the fall of the Republic. They had to divide that sucker up and chop it into pieces before it finally went down. It was the Rasputin of empires.

Now, you get something as successful as that, and everyone thinks that that’s the natural order of things.

You get a great country. You have a bitchin’ army. Your people are filled with national pride and fervor. What’s a leader to do? (With apologies to Stan Lee.) Why, it’s Conquering Time.

The problem is those pesky other countries. They have this wacky idea that their country is, well, their country. The natives are inevitably difficult and whiny. What with the complaining that their homes and resources are being stolen. Crybabies.


The Romans, however, were far more clever than other Johnny-Come-Lately empires like the British and the Germans. Rome conquered, but, like the Borg, they assimilated. For example, when they took over Greece, they didn’t inflict their religion on the Greeks. No, they decided that those Greeks had something going on with the whole multi-tier pantheon of gods, but they could improve it with better names and lighting. (And it didn’t hurt that there were loads of hot babe goddesses.)

And the Romans weren’t persnickety about their religion. When they saw a swing to a new religion, Christianity, they didn’t hesitate to kick the old gods to the curb.

The Romans were nothing if not practical. They understood that empire needed two things: A large standing army and engineering — preferably together.

All the amazing roads, viaducts, bridges and plumbing left behind by the Romans were built by Rome’s standing army. See, the Romans understood you can’t leave soldiers to defend a recently conquered location without busywork. They tended to get into trouble with the natives, and the commanders had thoughts of rebellion. But keep them lugging stones and dealing with infrastructure, and it really cuts down on unauthorized pillaging. It also makes people a little less pissed-off about being conquered when they have running water, decent roads, and the latest in technology.

The Romans knew how to do empire.

Sadly, we do not.

When the White Paper PNAC boys decided that it was time for America uber alles, they duped themselves into believing that other nation-states would greet us with open legs and grateful cheers as we strode in bathed in the golden glow of democracy. Without a plan in their head as how to manage Iraq after their shining victory, they swaggered into an ill-conceived, unlawful war.

And they succeeded in an easy victory beyond their wildest dreams. Yes, we kicked the ass of a third-rate nation held together with baling wire and the sledgehammer of Saddam Hussein. Supposedly, we have the greatest army ever seen on the planet. How could we have not deposed Saddam and handily defeated his troops?

Yes, the ostensible reason for invading Iraq was to “stop the terrorists” (a reason too stupid to bother debunking again) and to “bring democracy to the people of Iraq.” But we all know the real reasons for the invasion: Dubya’s neurotic need to upstage his daddy and Dick Cheney’s neurotic need to bilk money from the biggest bunch of suckers he ever ran across: the American public.

It’s taken three years for the truth about the fiasco in Iraq to start trickling out. The truth is, the situation over there is much more dire than the media is letting on. I started reading “Imperial Life in the Emerald City” by Rajiv Chandrasekaran this past week, and I highly recommend it. I also recommend you not eat before reading because the level of incompetence, bungling, malfeasance, and sheer idiocy in the pages will make you want to hurl.

The people sent over to deal with re-establishing the infrastructure weren’t chosen because of their expertise in that field. They were chosen for their loyalty to the PNACer’s positions. If you were competent, but disagreed with any of the administration’s policies, you were cut from the roster. (This included people who disagreed with the administration’s abortion policy. Hey, ho, hey, ho, you believe in choice, you can’t go.)

The Americans set themselves up in the “Green Zone,” an area that was basically Little USA. They drank liquor and ate pork in front of Iraqis. The women dressed in ways that aren’t considered appropriate in Arab countries. (I’m a feminist and I hate that women-need-to-be-covered bullshit. But if you are trying to help get another country on its feet and you want the locals to feel as if you have their best interests at heart, you don’t shit on their traditions.)

In short, the Americans acted as if the Iraqis were an inconvenience in their own country. Inside the Green Zone, there was running water, electricity, and food. Outside was chaos. Electricity and water was sporadic at best. There was looting and vandalism.

Instead of sending people who could have fixed the infrastructure (you know, the stuff that the Romans understood so well), they sent cronies, butthole buddies, and the corporate masters who helped put them in power. Dick Cheney certainly understands the notion of “You dance with them what brung ya.”

It’s a pity that the Iraqis are now dancing with a civil war that will likely spread through the entire Middle East.

Like I said, we suck at empire. And that’s a good thing. Until you get a batch of wannabe Caesars who think that imperialism is easy and might makes right. That believing a thing is true is the same thing as it being true.

Perhaps this is the beginning of the end of Imperial America. I hope so. We were founded by a bunch of cranky white guys who weren’t fond of being told what to do by inbred, syphilitic royals. We don’t do empire because we don’t believe in empire.

Empire sucks the lifeblood from democracy.

Let’s be certain we get rid of these vampiric imperialists. Stake through the heart, putting the body in running water, garlic in the mouth, whatever it takes. We need to put them down as certainly as the Visigoths took care of the Romans.